Homework #2

Kristen Halbritter
Homework #2
November 14, 2016
COMM 320

Pause and Reflect: Your Relational Stage

1) "If you are in a relationship, describe its present stage and the behaviors that characterize your communication in this stage.  Give specific examples to support your assessment." -Looking Out Looking In, page 290

I think me and my boyfriend, David, are currently at the end of the integrating stage and moving into the bonding stage.  We have shared identities, we are "FBO," and we have each sacrificed parts of our old selves.  For example, I watch football now and am a Patriots fan when previously I didn't really have an interest. We also have a "dogter" named Molly. (I don't have her here, but she is back at home in NY.  He was with me when I adopted her and was very involved in her rehabilitation/healing by visiting her with me.) I think we are going into the bonding stage because me and David are committed to each other and plan to get married in the near future even though we aren't officially engaged.  Once that has taken place I would consider us to be fully in the bonding stage.  

2) "Discuss the trend of the communication in terms of the stages described in this section.  Are you likely to remain in the present stage, or do you anticipate movement into another stage? Which one? Explain your answer." -Looking Out Looking In, page 290

Our communication is based mostly around us as a unit.  When I talk to other people about plans I have, I often use the word "us" or "we" referring to David and I.  Now, a lot of what we do like times to eat and where to eat and what to do on the weekend is based around whether we can do it together.  Now, when I am with other people and David is not with me, they will often ask about where he is and what he is up to.

As mentioned above, David and I are slowly moving into the bonding stage.  We are and have been talking about marriage even though we are not engaged yet.  We are committed to each other and talk about future plans often.  He is currently saving up for a ring. :)

3) "Describe your level of satisfaction with the answer to question 2.  If you are satisfied, describe what you can do to increase the likelihood that the relationship will operate at the stage you described.  If you are not satisfied, discuss what you can do to move the relationship toward a more satisfying stage." -Looking Out Looking In, page 290

I am very satisfied.  I strongly believe David is "the one." Since this is the farthest I have ever gotten in a romantic relationship, I do not have any experience being in the bonding stage with a significant other.  However,  to keep our hopeful engagement and future marriage happy and in the bonding stage as much as possible, I would say that good communication, immediate expression of thoughts and feelings, alone time, and a strong sense of commitment will keep us operating in the bonding stage. However, I know that s relationship cannot stay in one stage.  Marriage and any relationship has ups and downs... But if we were to stay in the bonding stage, I think the things mentioned above would be crucial.

4) "Because both parties define a relationship, define your partner's perspective.  Would she or he say that the relationship is in the same stage as you described? If not, explain how your partner would describe it.  What does your partner do to determine the stage at which your relationship operates? (Give specific examples.) How would you like your partner to behave in order to move the relationship to or maintain the stage you desire? What can you do to encourage your partner to behave in the way you desire?" -Looking Out Looking In, page 290

David and I think we are pretty much in the same stage.  He considers us to already be in the bonding stage even though we aren't engaged or anything.  We are committed and plan to get engaged so he considers that already in the bonding stage.   He says we are past the FBO in integrating and we have become one identity in many ways.  He says we have already publicly displayed and declared our exclusivity to peers and families. 
Our families are actually pretty invested in our relationship.  They expect us to get married and David has met a bulk of my family and I have met the bulk of his.  He has even come with us on family vacations.  I am content with the way David behaves as it is currently.  If I could change anything, it would be him asking me to marry him.  I want to be engaged pretty badly.  I already encourage him to do so by mentioning it and talking about the future even though I know he has a ring picked out,  is planning the proposal, and is saving up for the ring. 

5) "Now consider a relationship (friendship or romance) you have been in that has terminated.  How well does this Knapp model describe the development and decline of that relationship?  If the model doesn't match, develop a new model to illustrate your relationship's pattern." -Looking Out Looking In, page 290

I would say the Knapp model reflects the relationship I am thinking of pretty well.  It peaked when we talked about the future and plans for the future for years to come and we functioned as one unit and did everything together.  Then we just kind of slowly drifted apart and became our own individual person.  We just stopped spending time with each other and it slowly and eventually terminated.

What is Your Love Language? 

When I took this assessment, I got the result of having Acts of Service at the top, then Physical Touch, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, then Receiving Gifts.  Acts of service really do make me feel loved. For example, when I'm in the car with David, I really appreciate it when he offers to pump the gas.  I really appreciate it when he is willing to help me carry my stuff to the car and help me move in and out of the dorm every year.  When we hit a rough patch, I felt awful when he didn't help me walk my stuff to the car.  

When I took the assessment, David was with me, so after I finished, he took it as well.  He got Physical Touch, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Receiving Gifts, then Acts of Service.  I thought it was interesting that my top love language was his last.  He told me that even though it is his last, he likes to do Acts of Service for me and other people so it was a good fit.  I'm kind of glad that Physical Touch was in both of our top love languages, because that means we are compatible in that way.  We like to receive it, so we will most likely express it to one another.  

I really enjoyed doing this assessment, it was interesting to see both mine and David's preferences!